Nude-only screening


As a part of a “nude week” package to Mexico, Castaways Travel is organizing “the first ever nude airline flight.” Come this spring, “taking-off” will have a whole ‘nother meaning for the 170 passengers on a Cancun-bound, chartered 727. Soon after lift-off from Miami International, these vacationers will not only be loosening their seat belts but just about everything else they have wrapped around them as well.

According to the Woodlands, Texas travel agency this flight will become “a permanent part of nude history.” Right off the bat, I can think of a dozen things I’d rather be than a permanent part of nude history. But hey, that’s just me.

That being said, it occurs to me that these same passengers could be missing out on an opportunity to become a part of an even more illustrious history: The history of human transportation. Why will these pioneers wait ‘til airborne to shed their T-shirts, Levi’s, and Joe Boxer’s? Wouldn’t it behoove everyone involved to include, as part of nude history, stripping down before passing through airport security? It sure would make it easier for the screeners, faster for the nudists, and more entertaining for airport bystanders.

“Nude only” screening lines make a lot of sense. Think of them as a twist on the idea of a “Trusted Traveler Program” that the airlines have been kicking around for months now. An “Un-Trussed Traveler Program” could do for the airlines what they haven’t been able to accomplish for themselves: rejuvenate air travel.

Just to make sure this isn’t some harebrained idea I’ve come up with, I’ve checked the Transportation Security Administration’s website of permitted and prohibited items and found that there is no prohibition to bringing “nothing” through security.

Besides the obvious security benefits and entertainment value, think about how much could be saved in time and money. There will be no (additional) strip searches needed and the TSA can pack up those capricious metal detectors that jam up passengers when their belt buckles set off alarms. Breaking the travel naked barrier may be just what the airlines need to do to get back into business.

By the way, you won’t see my smiling face—or any other part of me for that matter—in the naked line at the airport. I’m more modest than that. What’s more, I’m more considerate of other passengers than to have them get an eyeful of me lollygagging around in the altogether.

I’ve been on the other side of this picture and it isn’t pretty. I’ve wandered along nude beaches and even dined in the restaurant at Club Orient, a clothing optional resort in St. Martin. (It was kind of like one of those dreams where you’re naked and everyone else is clothed—except in reverse.) But that’s another story.

Anyway, I can tell you that for most of the naked people I’ve seen at “clothing optional” venues, removing their clothes is an option they shouldn’t be allowed to exercise. The men look more like Mr. Potato Heads than Mr. Universes. And the women look more like they stepped off the pages of Archaeology magazine than Victoria’s Secret catalog.