Airports are trying to kill their passengers. I came to that unlikely conclusion after spending a quiet afternoon at Continental Airlines’ “C” terminal in Houston.

As I sat at Gate 36, waiting for my flight back to Orlando, I had an epiphany. They want us all dead.

You call that food? Sure, there are restaurants here. But they might as well open a gun store in the C terminal. Because for those of us who are trying to eat healthy, there are almost no options. There’s a barbecue place, a burger joint, and a place that serves deep-fried chicken. Just writing those words is enough to stop my heart.

Dangerous golf carts. You know what I’m talking about. These courtesy shuttles that zip between the gates, clipping the occasional passengers along the way. An intelligently-designed terminal would either be a) more compact, so that people didn’t need to walk miles from gate to concourse or b) offer some form of train or moving sidewalk. The golf carts must go.

Where are the power plugs? I see several passengers with open laptops and PDAs, but not a single plug. Either the battery manufacturers paid them to not install enough plugs, or they just don’t care. You don’t have to be an airline expert to know the answer.

No free Wi-Fi. The Boingo signal is coming in loud and clear. It wants to charge me for something that forward-looking airports have recognized passengers want for free. After all, we pay a Passenger Facility Charge. Can’t that include the cost of a wireless network? Yes, it can.

I suppose it could be worse. Before smoking was banned in the late 80s, we had to breathe second-hand carcinogens while dodging these murderous buggies while sustaining ourselves on artery-clogging fast food. No one cared about plugs and Wi-Fi was just a dream.

But I also think it could be a whole lot better. Free the Wi-Fi, add power plugs. (Hey Houston, if you want to know how it’s done, visit my home airport of Orlando.) And for goodness sakes, lose the golf carts. Find a better way.